So Much Scrutiny

(Disclaimer: Apologies to those who may be offended by the content below.)

For those who know me, music is one of my most adored activities and is a preferred form of worship.  There's something about the way people respond to the Lord in song that causes my heart to beat out of my chest.  The music isn't simply composed of beats, notes, rhythms, and melodies; it's as though the Spirit is alive, and I can feel the presence of God being ushered into a place.

And what an incredible honor and joy it is to lead God's people in corporate worship.  Mmm.  Whether you're singing or playing an instrument, it's as though the sounds we produce are extensions of our hearts' content.  The Spirit is so alive in the music, that you get goosebumps--even when you're not singing.  How calming yet chilling it is to literally sense the dwelling of God's presence.

But these aren't universal phenomenons--these things don't happen in every worship set.  If you're like me (or understand my thinking here), a variety of factors constitute a worship set as described above.  So, when musicianship is lacking and there is barely an ounce of truly authentic worship occurring, I default to scrutinize and over-analyze the band, the set, the sounds--everything.

You don't hear a whole band; all it is are singers and individual instruments making sounds.  Some of the band is cohesive; other parts are less appeasing.  The dynamics are scattered; there's a lack of consistent beats and rhythms; harmonies are louder than melodies.  And to top it off, if the worship leaders aren't worshiping, then that will translate to the congregation.

...and this is my present dilemma.  I find myself in a position where...I feel as though I cannot praise God with my whole heart.  It's even an arduous challenge to focus on the lyrics.  To sense the presence of the Lord or connect with God is equally difficult.  I can't meditate, reflect, or be at ease when I'm so perturbed by the music...  It's a disconnectedness in so many dimensions!

Regardless, I'm in no place to make judgments or assumptions.  I can't tell a leader what to do and how to perform his or her duties.  It would be even more brazen of me to speak illy of individuals and their leadership out of irritation and vexation.  But what is a fellow worship leader (who isn't in leadership) to do?  Even as suggestions are proposed and efforts are made to pursue other options, there's a complete misunderstanding, or one has a limited scope of how to change or improve.  (And by the way, having a black girl sing doesn't constitute a song to be "gospel".)

Unfortunately, I'm at a crossroads.  I want to let leaders do what they must, make their own decisions, and carry out their responsibilities in a way that they feel is best for the group.  But it's so bothersome.  And what is more, it's almost excruciating to watch the passion of talented musicians and worship leaders fade into discontent and apathy.  Worship proceeds to become more of a structured task than it is a privilege, honor, anticipated joy, and exciting time of corporate praise.

Naturally, I'm not a proponent of confrontations, but my heart is so uneasy in having to think about this.  Should I be passive?  Should I continue to speak up?  I'm leaving this campus soon, so my mind is in a mode of futility and near-indifference...  This. Is. So. Irksome.