For the past month, I've been fighting an emotional battle. Sentiments of insecurity, loneliness, and abandonment have emerged, and I don't know how to deal with them. And even as I turn to fellowship and 'hanging out' with peers, I feel as though my life has been filled with intertemporal friendships. They're short-lived, convenient, and become vapid or less meaningful once contact ceases. Eventually, we are usurped by the 'busyness of life', and our mindsets are situated in a task-oriented nature. Everything is dictated by schedules, events, and the appointments on calendars. And what happens...? We unintentionally detract from anyone and anything that is exogenous to our immediate circle of influence.
I don't know what's more disheartening--the fact that you cannot speak to someone or that a long-time friend ignores you. It's difficult to accept that some bonds cannot be maintained. But then I would be completely unfair and unrealistic to expect that one will treat a friendship unconditionally--especially when physical distance is a barrier. But why must this be so? Why can't things seem to work out?
One thing I've come to notice about myself is that, although I can forgive, deliberate forgetfulness appears nearly impossible for me. I can never understand why I can always, without fail, remember things that are small, uneventful, or insignificant to everyone. It perplexes me that, although I try to erase or disregard certain notions or friends from my mind, they remain ingrained on my brain.
In that sense, I cannot simply remove a person from my life after I connect with him or her. Such an action defies my personal convictions of friendship and loyalty. As much as I attempt to do so, I find it incredibly straining to forget people, places, or emotions--particularly when my heart becomes attached in some way, shape, or form. Yet, once that link is to discontinue for whatever circumstances, I find that to be one of the most painful and arduous endeavors of all.
Perhaps an absence in my heart has existed, even when I haven't realized it. And maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I continue to fill my life with friendships and unrestrictiveness on my part. In one sense I would much rather be a reliable, dependable, unconditional friend than cope with rejection or face unmet expectations from depending on someone else. Because, let's face it: No one wants to be left behind. So, in my mind and for the longest time, self-sufficiency is better than disappointment.
All the while, I keep thinking about you, and I don't know what to feel. I want to be angry, but I can't because I'm trying so hard to be easy-going about this. The circumstances changed, and no one is at fault. But the fact is, we're in different worlds, on our respective campuses, holding disparate priorities. Though we agreed to suspend contact, I find myself agonizing over it. I hate that we can't talk like we did two months ago--because I want to share with you what has been happening, the good and the bad. And I hate that I've been so fickle about this; my heart says 'yes' but my mind says 'no'...and vice versa.
Why can't I place myself fully in God's promises?
Christ is our cornerstone (Eph. 2:20), and in him all things are held together (Col. 1:17). This is the truth by which I live for my relationships. Our foundation is built on nothing less--our mutual edification on one another--in and of Christ. You pour into people, they pour into you, and you walk along side them. But when one of those facets is lacking, especially when God is not the focal point, that is what sets the stage for an intertemporal or vapid friendship. However, I suppose the issue is not of being able to stay connected; it's being able to let go and allow God to be sovereign over the friendship.
Why is it that the hardest part is letting go?
...because we attempt to be sovereign over our lives that we forget God is in control. And though we plan out everything as we want it to be, faith is the only thing that matters in the end.
(sigh) God's sovereignty--something I've yet to embrace fully.
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