It's phenomenal how four years can lapse unnoticeably; but those four years were some of the most transformative ones I've ever experienced. I graduated college only four months and four days ago. And now, I'm barely certain of what I'll be doing in the next four years--or even the next four months.
Although I considered the end of my undergrad years a time of many endearing farewells, I found myself at a crossroads of looking forward to the future more than relishing the past. Only, I really didn't know what the future held for me. All I knew was that I felt God calling me into full-time, Christian ministry...and that was it.
Frankly, I abhor uncertainty. I prefer to have clear-cut structure because organization tends to make everyone's life much easier. Yet what's challenging about my tendency to coordinate, collaborate, and command my own life was that conviction to leave behind the dreaded "dream" of becoming a lawyer and accepting God's conviction within me to enter full-time ministry. Ironically, in the beginning, I was more fearful of going into ministry more than I was going into law. The law profession is much more defined, while the life of ministry can be unpredictable and doubtful at times.
Somehow, I always thought that God equipped me with these gifts and a skill set to serve as a layperson, not as a minister of sorts. But the more I think about it and share with other people, those whom I've known the longest (or quite amicably) have said that the only thing they've ever considered to be the best fit for me was ministry... How could they know that before me and not tell me? -_-
Four years of undergrad were incredible. It was an immense growing-journey; but despite the swings and swells of life, I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything. I think God has presented himself to me in numerous ways, shapes, and forms...but it's only recently that I've finally begun to soften my heart, be broken, and truly desire to be directed for His purposes and promises.
And to share with you a little pet peeve, I really dislike it when people ask me, "So what are you doing now?" I probably get that question at least ten times a week... I get irritated at having to answer the inquiry very often, but it's not simply because of that reason. Rather, I've begun to realize that every time I answer the question, I get a little angry inside because I still am uncomfortable with the fact that I still don't know what the future holds.
But you know what? I think I'm learning to let go of my own expectations. I'm beginning to learn how to enjoy life and live in faithful obedience. I'm learning to live simply and with content because this world doesn't have nearly as much to offer now as Christ promises in eternity. I'm learning to let go and let God steer my path along the straight and narrow. And most importantly, I'm learning to listen.
I was told earlier today--regarding my intent to remain in Chicago--that you can have lots of idea on where you want to go to live, work, serve, and all of the above. But the most important thing is to go where you feel called--to where God has led you. I'm unconfident of having to stay in the Midwest right now...but I haven't felt led to trek anywhere else.
Here's to more uncertainty on top of uncertainty. Here's to another four days, weeks, months, or years to being unsure of the future but sure of God's promises. And btw, I started my Moody Theological Seminary Application last night. Let's see what happens with that.
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