A Faux-filling Nature

For those who know me, I'm easy to please but hard to impress.  Meaning: I can do well with very little; but give me much, and I will have high expectations.  For me to blatantly express appeasement or disappointment is a rarity, so this post is relatively difficult for me to formulate...so here goes...

I am both appalled and amazed at what transpired this week.  From celebrating my best friend's 21st birthday to a cousin's wedding, it's interesting how separate and irrelevant events led me to arrive at the same conclusion: This world is insurmountably dissatisfying.  One can get wrapped in the ways of the world too unnoticeably; swayed by desires of the flesh; lose sight of his true country.

It's not that I fell prey to all three of the above situations simultaneously.  Rather, I witnessed first-hand at how the earthly nature of our lives may cause us to look only one step ahead of us...and that single step will dictate the ones to follow.

To put it straight, I had an unbearable feeling of emptiness these past few days.  In a course of one week, I found myself plunging into the depths of the world--trying to do the most, be admired, have the best, be the greatest, consume the most expensive...  And with what did it leave me?  Vacancy.

I found less joy and satisfaction in living for myself and living for others.  It all goes to a certain threshold, until you're left with an ungratifying void--a displeasing realization that the slightest luxury hardly occupies an ounce of joy in your heart.  Despite the amount of amusement, banter, consumption, and shameless behavior that may ensue, it still leaves intolerable tastelessness.  A lavish lifestyle appears plain and mundane.

And somehow, this has manifested exponentially in the activities upon which I so previously gorged myself.  The mere sight of large quantities of food makes me nauseous.  I do not care for needless spending.  Concerning myself over things that are incontrovertibly insignificant is, in itself, insignificant.  Because where the world is the "means" and we make ourselves (or our happiness) to be the "ends", there will inevitably linger a state of unfulfilled satisfaction--a faux-filling nature.

More and more, I see it as Paul wrote in Romans 12:2--"do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."  In the end, if we know what awaits us beyond this world, then we can't allow ourselves to be twisted and torn to turn into characters we know we are not.  Thus, we are IN the world but are not OF the world.

C.S. Lewis was on-point when he wrote of hope in Mere Christianity--

“The Christian says, 'Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or to be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that country and to help others to do the same.”

I don't hate this world, nor do I hate the people who only live for the things in and of the world.  Rather, I think it reaffirms my purpose, my drive, my motivation to commit myself to putting forth all my time and talents and treasures to expanding the Kingdom of God.  This world is fleeting, but Heaven is eternal.  The irony of earth is that brokenness persists where healing has already come.

As I see it, there are two kinds of emptiness: (1) where you live for yourself and for others but retain little to no satisfaction; and (2) where you live for God's plans and purposes, voluntarily emptying yourself because you know that you'll be re-filled and overflowed with the Holy Spirit.

I don't want to fall into a faux-filling nature.  No, I want to be filled and fulfilled immeasurably by Christ alone.

Magic No. 4

It's phenomenal how four years can lapse unnoticeably; but those four years were some of the most transformative ones I've ever experienced.  I graduated college only four months and four days ago.  And now, I'm barely certain of what I'll be doing in the next four years--or even the next four months.

Although I considered the end of my undergrad years a time of many endearing farewells, I found myself at a crossroads of looking forward to the future more than relishing the past.  Only, I really didn't know what the future held for me.  All I knew was that I felt God calling me into full-time, Christian ministry...and that was it.

Frankly, I abhor uncertainty.  I prefer to have clear-cut structure because organization tends to make everyone's life much easier.  Yet what's challenging about my tendency to coordinate, collaborate, and command my own life was that conviction to leave behind the dreaded "dream" of becoming a lawyer and accepting God's conviction within me to enter full-time ministry.  Ironically, in the beginning, I was more fearful of going into ministry more than I was going into law.  The law profession is much more defined, while the life of ministry can be unpredictable and doubtful at times.

Somehow, I always thought that God equipped me with these gifts and a skill set to serve as a layperson, not as a minister of sorts.  But the more I think about it and share with other people, those whom I've known the longest (or quite amicably) have said that the only thing they've ever considered to be the best fit for me was ministry...  How could they know that before me and not tell me? -_-

Four years of undergrad were incredible.  It was an immense growing-journey; but despite the swings and swells of life, I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything.  I think God has presented himself to me in numerous ways, shapes, and forms...but it's only recently that I've finally begun to soften my heart, be broken, and truly desire to be directed for His purposes and promises.

And to share with you a little pet peeve, I really dislike it when people ask me, "So what are you doing now?"  I probably get that question at least ten times a week...  I get irritated at having to answer the inquiry very often, but it's not simply because of that reason.  Rather, I've begun to realize that every time I answer the question, I get a little angry inside because I still am uncomfortable with the fact that I still don't know what the future holds.

But you know what?  I think I'm learning to let go of my own expectations.  I'm beginning to learn how to enjoy life and live in faithful obedience.  I'm learning to live simply and with content because this world doesn't have nearly as much to offer now as Christ promises in eternity.  I'm learning to let go and let God steer my path along the straight and narrow.  And most importantly, I'm learning to listen.

I was told earlier today--regarding my intent to remain in Chicago--that you can have lots of idea on where you want to go to live, work, serve, and all of the above.  But the most important thing is to go where you feel called--to where God has led you.  I'm unconfident of having to stay in the Midwest right now...but I haven't felt led to trek anywhere else.

Here's to more uncertainty on top of uncertainty.  Here's to another four days, weeks, months, or years to being unsure of the future but sure of God's promises.  And btw, I started my Moody Theological Seminary Application last night.  Let's see what happens with that.

So Much Scrutiny

(Disclaimer: Apologies to those who may be offended by the content below.)

For those who know me, music is one of my most adored activities and is a preferred form of worship.  There's something about the way people respond to the Lord in song that causes my heart to beat out of my chest.  The music isn't simply composed of beats, notes, rhythms, and melodies; it's as though the Spirit is alive, and I can feel the presence of God being ushered into a place.

And what an incredible honor and joy it is to lead God's people in corporate worship.  Mmm.  Whether you're singing or playing an instrument, it's as though the sounds we produce are extensions of our hearts' content.  The Spirit is so alive in the music, that you get goosebumps--even when you're not singing.  How calming yet chilling it is to literally sense the dwelling of God's presence.

But these aren't universal phenomenons--these things don't happen in every worship set.  If you're like me (or understand my thinking here), a variety of factors constitute a worship set as described above.  So, when musicianship is lacking and there is barely an ounce of truly authentic worship occurring, I default to scrutinize and over-analyze the band, the set, the sounds--everything.

You don't hear a whole band; all it is are singers and individual instruments making sounds.  Some of the band is cohesive; other parts are less appeasing.  The dynamics are scattered; there's a lack of consistent beats and rhythms; harmonies are louder than melodies.  And to top it off, if the worship leaders aren't worshiping, then that will translate to the congregation.

...and this is my present dilemma.  I find myself in a position where...I feel as though I cannot praise God with my whole heart.  It's even an arduous challenge to focus on the lyrics.  To sense the presence of the Lord or connect with God is equally difficult.  I can't meditate, reflect, or be at ease when I'm so perturbed by the music...  It's a disconnectedness in so many dimensions!

Regardless, I'm in no place to make judgments or assumptions.  I can't tell a leader what to do and how to perform his or her duties.  It would be even more brazen of me to speak illy of individuals and their leadership out of irritation and vexation.  But what is a fellow worship leader (who isn't in leadership) to do?  Even as suggestions are proposed and efforts are made to pursue other options, there's a complete misunderstanding, or one has a limited scope of how to change or improve.  (And by the way, having a black girl sing doesn't constitute a song to be "gospel".)

Unfortunately, I'm at a crossroads.  I want to let leaders do what they must, make their own decisions, and carry out their responsibilities in a way that they feel is best for the group.  But it's so bothersome.  And what is more, it's almost excruciating to watch the passion of talented musicians and worship leaders fade into discontent and apathy.  Worship proceeds to become more of a structured task than it is a privilege, honor, anticipated joy, and exciting time of corporate praise.

Naturally, I'm not a proponent of confrontations, but my heart is so uneasy in having to think about this.  Should I be passive?  Should I continue to speak up?  I'm leaving this campus soon, so my mind is in a mode of futility and near-indifference...  This. Is. So. Irksome.

The Hardest Part is Letting Go

For the past month, I've been fighting an emotional battle.  Sentiments of insecurity, loneliness, and abandonment have emerged, and I don't know how to deal with them.  And even as I turn to fellowship and 'hanging out' with peers,  I feel as though my life has been filled with intertemporal friendships.  They're short-lived, convenient, and become vapid or less meaningful once contact ceases.  Eventually, we are usurped by the 'busyness of life', and our mindsets are situated in a task-oriented nature.  Everything is dictated by schedules, events, and the appointments on calendars.  And what happens...?  We unintentionally detract from anyone and anything that is exogenous to our immediate circle of influence.

I don't know what's more disheartening--the fact that you cannot speak to someone or that a long-time friend ignores you.  It's difficult to accept that some bonds cannot be maintained.  But then I would be completely unfair and unrealistic to expect that one will treat a friendship unconditionally--especially when physical distance is a barrier.  But why must this be so?  Why can't things seem to work out?

One thing I've come to notice about myself is that, although I can forgive, deliberate forgetfulness appears nearly impossible for me.  I can never understand why I can always, without fail, remember things that are small, uneventful, or insignificant to everyone.  It perplexes me that, although I try to erase or disregard certain notions or friends from my mind, they remain ingrained on my brain.

In that sense, I cannot simply remove a person from my life after I connect with him or her.  Such an action defies my personal convictions of friendship and loyalty.  As much as I attempt to do so, I find it incredibly straining to forget people, places, or emotions--particularly when my heart becomes attached in some way, shape, or form.  Yet, once that link is to discontinue for whatever circumstances, I find that to be one of the most painful and arduous endeavors of all.

Perhaps an absence in my heart has existed, even when I haven't realized it.  And maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I continue to fill my life with friendships and unrestrictiveness on my part.  In one sense I would much rather be a reliable, dependable, unconditional friend than cope with rejection or face unmet expectations from depending on someone else.  Because, let's face it: No one wants to be left behind.  So, in my mind and for the longest time, self-sufficiency is better than disappointment.

All the while, I keep thinking about you, and I don't know what to feel.  I want to be angry, but I can't because I'm trying so hard to be easy-going about this.  The circumstances changed, and no one is at fault.  But the fact is, we're in different worlds, on our respective campuses, holding disparate priorities. Though we agreed to suspend contact, I find myself agonizing over it.  I hate that we can't talk like we did two months ago--because I want to share with you what has been happening, the good and the bad.  And I hate that I've been so fickle about this; my heart says 'yes' but my mind says 'no'...and vice versa.

Why can't I place myself fully in God's promises?

Christ is our cornerstone (Eph. 2:20), and in him all things are held together (Col. 1:17).  This is the truth by which I live for my relationships.  Our foundation is built on nothing less--our mutual edification on one another--in and of Christ.  You pour into people, they pour into you, and you walk along side them.  But when one of those facets is lacking, especially when God is not the focal point, that is what sets the stage for an intertemporal or vapid friendship.  However, I suppose the issue is not of being able to stay connected; it's being able to let go and allow God to be sovereign over the friendship.

Why is it that the hardest part is letting go?

...because we attempt to be sovereign over our lives that we forget God is in control.  And though we plan out everything as we want it to be, faith is the only thing that matters in the end.

(sigh) God's sovereignty--something I've yet to embrace fully.

"Friends"

I've come to rethink the values I place in my relationships with people.

Indeed, I am a relational person and desire to know people beyond common knowledge.  It's about getting to the heart and showing how much you care for and about them as a brother or sister in Christ.

It would be an equal blessing your efforts were reciprocated by the other person.  Granted, the busyness of life and this mentality of getting things done in "your bubble" or circle of influence is what matters first and foremost.

But regardless, that only goes so far...

...for a friendship cannot be called a "friendship" unless it's mutual.

Why must love be limited?

Friends, I want to share an issue that has transformed me from the inside out lately, and it pertains to what Jesus says are the two greatest commandments--to love God and people.  "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'" (Mt. 22:37-39 NIV).

Why do we find it so incredibly difficult to follow these commands, especially the latter?

"They're weird."
"I don't know them."
"They're not my kind of people."
"It's too awkward; I don't want to be there."
"I don't know how to talk to them..."

Sound familiar?  I've heard these excuses for years...and have used many of them myself to justify why I should or do not want to be open, inviting, accepting, or conversational with others.  But isn't that bothersome?  Isn't it vexing to realize how one can be SO comfortable, limiting, short-sighted, risk averse, conforming, complacent, indifferent, closed-minded, selfish, and prideful?

Frankly, that was and still is me.  One of my greatest struggles upon entering college was developing the ability to love people genuinely.  And let me tell you, it was excruciatingly difficult to do just that.  Everywhere I turned, there were strange people; they were weird, said strange things, were socially awkward, and seemingly had little sense of proper hygiene.

The fact was that I had little to no heart for people I did not already know of love.  I was in my own world of privilege, and I didn't care about those of whom I had no knowledge or personal connection.  I was more consumed about being comfortable or finding the 'right group of friends' with whom I wanted to associate.  But God has allowed me to see how that mentality is where I had it all wrong.

Slowly, Jesus helped me to see how my heart had been so closed, and my love so limited.  Since I began college till now, I can say that the Lord has truly transformed my heart and my capacity to shower love and grace upon others.  I assure you, it has not come without a struggle.  There are numerous moments in which I've been proud and pretentious because I viewed myself above those around me.  Eventually, I came to see how that was legitimately...so dumb.

It wasn't "dumb" for the fact that I was being prideful or lofty.  Rather, I saw how it was foolish to think that I viewed others as void from the throne of grace.  And that, my friends, was when it hit me: what makes me so much better than another person that they don't deserve attention--or even other human interaction?

This past year, God broke me...and he broke me to my very core.  I understood that, yes, people have very different personalities.  We all think and act on various levels or capacities.  But that doesn't make them any more or less of a person.  So why does ignorance pervade our lack of love?  You don't know the other person; you can't make assumptions about his or her life.  Since when are you entitled to judge another?  Isn't that simply living by what Bonhoeffer describes as 'cheap grace'?  It's the very essence of being nominal--calling yourself a Christian but your conduct says otherwise.

In no way am I perfect or the most extroverted or inviting person there is.  But I know what it's like to be the new person, to have everyone ignore you, and to feel like you have no place in this world.  Well, if we are called by Jesus to be active witnesses, to make disciples, and to live missionally, that starts with talking to people--regardless of what you assume about them.  In fact, don't even make any assumptions.

How can you claim to love people when such affection or care is shown to those you already love?  The real challenge is loving those outside of your comfort zone--to get to know them as a soul, not simply an acquaintance.

In the end, I guess I'm beginning to see more and more of how God redeems us when we lavish love and care and kindness on other people.  I find it ironic how one of my greatest struggles has become such an immense passion of mine... But HEY, God loved me first!  So if I claim to be a follower of Jesus and all he represents, I want to love God and love people as much as I can, while I still can.

Love God. Love people.

Lost Investment

Perhaps it's my tendency to believe the best in people...or that I'm naive, easily swayed, too nice, a bit passive-aggressive, am constantly downgrading myself, or that I'm simply too focused on the present at times that I forget about the future.

I can't provide a whole lot of back story, but here's the basis...

The first Bible study of the school year was about Acts 2.  It focused on the fellowship of believers and what we could do to build stronger community, especially within LAR (my dorm).  Ironically following the conclusion of small group, I was returning to my room when I heard some commotion in the room across from mine.  I saw that the light was on, I had never met the girl, and I just led people in a Bible study about building better community.  And inside me, I felt this strange yet dreaded push to knock on the door.

And that's exactly what I did.

I heard someone say 'Come in', and with hesitancy, I entered...  Ten feet in front of me was a girl I had never seen in my life.  She was rummaging through her purse, looked mildly frazzled, and had a look of confusion and frustration on her face.  After introducing myself, I talked about IV for a little bit and said that if she ever wanted to eat with someone or needed homework help, etc, I wouldn't mind assisting her.

Little was I aware at that time, I would get to know this freshmen like no one else.  In fact, I consider her as one of my college best friends--even so far as a little sister.  It has been one, interesting year.  She and I have had some great talks, laughs; she came to my house for Thanksgiving, and I went to hers for Spring Break...  Quite literally, I cannot count the number of times we've hung out, shared meals, walked to class, and the list goes on.

Yet, even as we've established a great friendship, there have been some mixed emotions about next year.  The good part is that she's staying at UIUC.  But what breaks my heart the most is that she won't be returning to LAR--because she'll be moving to a new dorm on the other side of campus.  Perhaps it's my tendency to believe the best in people...or that I'm naive, easily swayed, too nice, a bit passive-aggressive, am constantly downgrading myself, or that I'm simply too focused on the present at times that I forget about the future.

I realize that I've spent a great deal with this girl, and I'm saddened to realize that we won't be seeing each other much next year (as she'll be studying abroad in the spring).  And as much as I've tried, she won't change her mind about where she'll be dorming.  She's going to Nugent, and there's nothing I can do.

But at the same time, I can't force her to stay in LAR.  She's capable of making her own decisions, and her mind is clearly made up.  The only thing I can do is support her choice, and hope that God would use her to make an impact wherever she may go.  I'd hate to make her feel guilty in any way, and I know that she's got enough to deal with on her own.

In other respects, perhaps this is God's way of pushing me to invest in others I know will be staying in LAR.  I can't focus on what I cannot control or what is out of my 'sphere of influence'.  But I certainly hope that God will help me attain some closure...  For, why does it seem that every time I put forth so much care and love towards someone, it seems more like a lost investment?

It's difficult to accept what you cannot change.