A Faux-filling Nature

For those who know me, I'm easy to please but hard to impress.  Meaning: I can do well with very little; but give me much, and I will have high expectations.  For me to blatantly express appeasement or disappointment is a rarity, so this post is relatively difficult for me to formulate...so here goes...

I am both appalled and amazed at what transpired this week.  From celebrating my best friend's 21st birthday to a cousin's wedding, it's interesting how separate and irrelevant events led me to arrive at the same conclusion: This world is insurmountably dissatisfying.  One can get wrapped in the ways of the world too unnoticeably; swayed by desires of the flesh; lose sight of his true country.

It's not that I fell prey to all three of the above situations simultaneously.  Rather, I witnessed first-hand at how the earthly nature of our lives may cause us to look only one step ahead of us...and that single step will dictate the ones to follow.

To put it straight, I had an unbearable feeling of emptiness these past few days.  In a course of one week, I found myself plunging into the depths of the world--trying to do the most, be admired, have the best, be the greatest, consume the most expensive...  And with what did it leave me?  Vacancy.

I found less joy and satisfaction in living for myself and living for others.  It all goes to a certain threshold, until you're left with an ungratifying void--a displeasing realization that the slightest luxury hardly occupies an ounce of joy in your heart.  Despite the amount of amusement, banter, consumption, and shameless behavior that may ensue, it still leaves intolerable tastelessness.  A lavish lifestyle appears plain and mundane.

And somehow, this has manifested exponentially in the activities upon which I so previously gorged myself.  The mere sight of large quantities of food makes me nauseous.  I do not care for needless spending.  Concerning myself over things that are incontrovertibly insignificant is, in itself, insignificant.  Because where the world is the "means" and we make ourselves (or our happiness) to be the "ends", there will inevitably linger a state of unfulfilled satisfaction--a faux-filling nature.

More and more, I see it as Paul wrote in Romans 12:2--"do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."  In the end, if we know what awaits us beyond this world, then we can't allow ourselves to be twisted and torn to turn into characters we know we are not.  Thus, we are IN the world but are not OF the world.

C.S. Lewis was on-point when he wrote of hope in Mere Christianity--

“The Christian says, 'Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or to be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that country and to help others to do the same.”

I don't hate this world, nor do I hate the people who only live for the things in and of the world.  Rather, I think it reaffirms my purpose, my drive, my motivation to commit myself to putting forth all my time and talents and treasures to expanding the Kingdom of God.  This world is fleeting, but Heaven is eternal.  The irony of earth is that brokenness persists where healing has already come.

As I see it, there are two kinds of emptiness: (1) where you live for yourself and for others but retain little to no satisfaction; and (2) where you live for God's plans and purposes, voluntarily emptying yourself because you know that you'll be re-filled and overflowed with the Holy Spirit.

I don't want to fall into a faux-filling nature.  No, I want to be filled and fulfilled immeasurably by Christ alone.

Magic No. 4

It's phenomenal how four years can lapse unnoticeably; but those four years were some of the most transformative ones I've ever experienced.  I graduated college only four months and four days ago.  And now, I'm barely certain of what I'll be doing in the next four years--or even the next four months.

Although I considered the end of my undergrad years a time of many endearing farewells, I found myself at a crossroads of looking forward to the future more than relishing the past.  Only, I really didn't know what the future held for me.  All I knew was that I felt God calling me into full-time, Christian ministry...and that was it.

Frankly, I abhor uncertainty.  I prefer to have clear-cut structure because organization tends to make everyone's life much easier.  Yet what's challenging about my tendency to coordinate, collaborate, and command my own life was that conviction to leave behind the dreaded "dream" of becoming a lawyer and accepting God's conviction within me to enter full-time ministry.  Ironically, in the beginning, I was more fearful of going into ministry more than I was going into law.  The law profession is much more defined, while the life of ministry can be unpredictable and doubtful at times.

Somehow, I always thought that God equipped me with these gifts and a skill set to serve as a layperson, not as a minister of sorts.  But the more I think about it and share with other people, those whom I've known the longest (or quite amicably) have said that the only thing they've ever considered to be the best fit for me was ministry...  How could they know that before me and not tell me? -_-

Four years of undergrad were incredible.  It was an immense growing-journey; but despite the swings and swells of life, I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything.  I think God has presented himself to me in numerous ways, shapes, and forms...but it's only recently that I've finally begun to soften my heart, be broken, and truly desire to be directed for His purposes and promises.

And to share with you a little pet peeve, I really dislike it when people ask me, "So what are you doing now?"  I probably get that question at least ten times a week...  I get irritated at having to answer the inquiry very often, but it's not simply because of that reason.  Rather, I've begun to realize that every time I answer the question, I get a little angry inside because I still am uncomfortable with the fact that I still don't know what the future holds.

But you know what?  I think I'm learning to let go of my own expectations.  I'm beginning to learn how to enjoy life and live in faithful obedience.  I'm learning to live simply and with content because this world doesn't have nearly as much to offer now as Christ promises in eternity.  I'm learning to let go and let God steer my path along the straight and narrow.  And most importantly, I'm learning to listen.

I was told earlier today--regarding my intent to remain in Chicago--that you can have lots of idea on where you want to go to live, work, serve, and all of the above.  But the most important thing is to go where you feel called--to where God has led you.  I'm unconfident of having to stay in the Midwest right now...but I haven't felt led to trek anywhere else.

Here's to more uncertainty on top of uncertainty.  Here's to another four days, weeks, months, or years to being unsure of the future but sure of God's promises.  And btw, I started my Moody Theological Seminary Application last night.  Let's see what happens with that.

So Much Scrutiny

(Disclaimer: Apologies to those who may be offended by the content below.)

For those who know me, music is one of my most adored activities and is a preferred form of worship.  There's something about the way people respond to the Lord in song that causes my heart to beat out of my chest.  The music isn't simply composed of beats, notes, rhythms, and melodies; it's as though the Spirit is alive, and I can feel the presence of God being ushered into a place.

And what an incredible honor and joy it is to lead God's people in corporate worship.  Mmm.  Whether you're singing or playing an instrument, it's as though the sounds we produce are extensions of our hearts' content.  The Spirit is so alive in the music, that you get goosebumps--even when you're not singing.  How calming yet chilling it is to literally sense the dwelling of God's presence.

But these aren't universal phenomenons--these things don't happen in every worship set.  If you're like me (or understand my thinking here), a variety of factors constitute a worship set as described above.  So, when musicianship is lacking and there is barely an ounce of truly authentic worship occurring, I default to scrutinize and over-analyze the band, the set, the sounds--everything.

You don't hear a whole band; all it is are singers and individual instruments making sounds.  Some of the band is cohesive; other parts are less appeasing.  The dynamics are scattered; there's a lack of consistent beats and rhythms; harmonies are louder than melodies.  And to top it off, if the worship leaders aren't worshiping, then that will translate to the congregation.

...and this is my present dilemma.  I find myself in a position where...I feel as though I cannot praise God with my whole heart.  It's even an arduous challenge to focus on the lyrics.  To sense the presence of the Lord or connect with God is equally difficult.  I can't meditate, reflect, or be at ease when I'm so perturbed by the music...  It's a disconnectedness in so many dimensions!

Regardless, I'm in no place to make judgments or assumptions.  I can't tell a leader what to do and how to perform his or her duties.  It would be even more brazen of me to speak illy of individuals and their leadership out of irritation and vexation.  But what is a fellow worship leader (who isn't in leadership) to do?  Even as suggestions are proposed and efforts are made to pursue other options, there's a complete misunderstanding, or one has a limited scope of how to change or improve.  (And by the way, having a black girl sing doesn't constitute a song to be "gospel".)

Unfortunately, I'm at a crossroads.  I want to let leaders do what they must, make their own decisions, and carry out their responsibilities in a way that they feel is best for the group.  But it's so bothersome.  And what is more, it's almost excruciating to watch the passion of talented musicians and worship leaders fade into discontent and apathy.  Worship proceeds to become more of a structured task than it is a privilege, honor, anticipated joy, and exciting time of corporate praise.

Naturally, I'm not a proponent of confrontations, but my heart is so uneasy in having to think about this.  Should I be passive?  Should I continue to speak up?  I'm leaving this campus soon, so my mind is in a mode of futility and near-indifference...  This. Is. So. Irksome.