The Hardest Part is Letting Go

For the past month, I've been fighting an emotional battle.  Sentiments of insecurity, loneliness, and abandonment have emerged, and I don't know how to deal with them.  And even as I turn to fellowship and 'hanging out' with peers,  I feel as though my life has been filled with intertemporal friendships.  They're short-lived, convenient, and become vapid or less meaningful once contact ceases.  Eventually, we are usurped by the 'busyness of life', and our mindsets are situated in a task-oriented nature.  Everything is dictated by schedules, events, and the appointments on calendars.  And what happens...?  We unintentionally detract from anyone and anything that is exogenous to our immediate circle of influence.

I don't know what's more disheartening--the fact that you cannot speak to someone or that a long-time friend ignores you.  It's difficult to accept that some bonds cannot be maintained.  But then I would be completely unfair and unrealistic to expect that one will treat a friendship unconditionally--especially when physical distance is a barrier.  But why must this be so?  Why can't things seem to work out?

One thing I've come to notice about myself is that, although I can forgive, deliberate forgetfulness appears nearly impossible for me.  I can never understand why I can always, without fail, remember things that are small, uneventful, or insignificant to everyone.  It perplexes me that, although I try to erase or disregard certain notions or friends from my mind, they remain ingrained on my brain.

In that sense, I cannot simply remove a person from my life after I connect with him or her.  Such an action defies my personal convictions of friendship and loyalty.  As much as I attempt to do so, I find it incredibly straining to forget people, places, or emotions--particularly when my heart becomes attached in some way, shape, or form.  Yet, once that link is to discontinue for whatever circumstances, I find that to be one of the most painful and arduous endeavors of all.

Perhaps an absence in my heart has existed, even when I haven't realized it.  And maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why I continue to fill my life with friendships and unrestrictiveness on my part.  In one sense I would much rather be a reliable, dependable, unconditional friend than cope with rejection or face unmet expectations from depending on someone else.  Because, let's face it: No one wants to be left behind.  So, in my mind and for the longest time, self-sufficiency is better than disappointment.

All the while, I keep thinking about you, and I don't know what to feel.  I want to be angry, but I can't because I'm trying so hard to be easy-going about this.  The circumstances changed, and no one is at fault.  But the fact is, we're in different worlds, on our respective campuses, holding disparate priorities. Though we agreed to suspend contact, I find myself agonizing over it.  I hate that we can't talk like we did two months ago--because I want to share with you what has been happening, the good and the bad.  And I hate that I've been so fickle about this; my heart says 'yes' but my mind says 'no'...and vice versa.

Why can't I place myself fully in God's promises?

Christ is our cornerstone (Eph. 2:20), and in him all things are held together (Col. 1:17).  This is the truth by which I live for my relationships.  Our foundation is built on nothing less--our mutual edification on one another--in and of Christ.  You pour into people, they pour into you, and you walk along side them.  But when one of those facets is lacking, especially when God is not the focal point, that is what sets the stage for an intertemporal or vapid friendship.  However, I suppose the issue is not of being able to stay connected; it's being able to let go and allow God to be sovereign over the friendship.

Why is it that the hardest part is letting go?

...because we attempt to be sovereign over our lives that we forget God is in control.  And though we plan out everything as we want it to be, faith is the only thing that matters in the end.

(sigh) God's sovereignty--something I've yet to embrace fully.

"Friends"

I've come to rethink the values I place in my relationships with people.

Indeed, I am a relational person and desire to know people beyond common knowledge.  It's about getting to the heart and showing how much you care for and about them as a brother or sister in Christ.

It would be an equal blessing your efforts were reciprocated by the other person.  Granted, the busyness of life and this mentality of getting things done in "your bubble" or circle of influence is what matters first and foremost.

But regardless, that only goes so far...

...for a friendship cannot be called a "friendship" unless it's mutual.

Why must love be limited?

Friends, I want to share an issue that has transformed me from the inside out lately, and it pertains to what Jesus says are the two greatest commandments--to love God and people.  "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'" (Mt. 22:37-39 NIV).

Why do we find it so incredibly difficult to follow these commands, especially the latter?

"They're weird."
"I don't know them."
"They're not my kind of people."
"It's too awkward; I don't want to be there."
"I don't know how to talk to them..."

Sound familiar?  I've heard these excuses for years...and have used many of them myself to justify why I should or do not want to be open, inviting, accepting, or conversational with others.  But isn't that bothersome?  Isn't it vexing to realize how one can be SO comfortable, limiting, short-sighted, risk averse, conforming, complacent, indifferent, closed-minded, selfish, and prideful?

Frankly, that was and still is me.  One of my greatest struggles upon entering college was developing the ability to love people genuinely.  And let me tell you, it was excruciatingly difficult to do just that.  Everywhere I turned, there were strange people; they were weird, said strange things, were socially awkward, and seemingly had little sense of proper hygiene.

The fact was that I had little to no heart for people I did not already know of love.  I was in my own world of privilege, and I didn't care about those of whom I had no knowledge or personal connection.  I was more consumed about being comfortable or finding the 'right group of friends' with whom I wanted to associate.  But God has allowed me to see how that mentality is where I had it all wrong.

Slowly, Jesus helped me to see how my heart had been so closed, and my love so limited.  Since I began college till now, I can say that the Lord has truly transformed my heart and my capacity to shower love and grace upon others.  I assure you, it has not come without a struggle.  There are numerous moments in which I've been proud and pretentious because I viewed myself above those around me.  Eventually, I came to see how that was legitimately...so dumb.

It wasn't "dumb" for the fact that I was being prideful or lofty.  Rather, I saw how it was foolish to think that I viewed others as void from the throne of grace.  And that, my friends, was when it hit me: what makes me so much better than another person that they don't deserve attention--or even other human interaction?

This past year, God broke me...and he broke me to my very core.  I understood that, yes, people have very different personalities.  We all think and act on various levels or capacities.  But that doesn't make them any more or less of a person.  So why does ignorance pervade our lack of love?  You don't know the other person; you can't make assumptions about his or her life.  Since when are you entitled to judge another?  Isn't that simply living by what Bonhoeffer describes as 'cheap grace'?  It's the very essence of being nominal--calling yourself a Christian but your conduct says otherwise.

In no way am I perfect or the most extroverted or inviting person there is.  But I know what it's like to be the new person, to have everyone ignore you, and to feel like you have no place in this world.  Well, if we are called by Jesus to be active witnesses, to make disciples, and to live missionally, that starts with talking to people--regardless of what you assume about them.  In fact, don't even make any assumptions.

How can you claim to love people when such affection or care is shown to those you already love?  The real challenge is loving those outside of your comfort zone--to get to know them as a soul, not simply an acquaintance.

In the end, I guess I'm beginning to see more and more of how God redeems us when we lavish love and care and kindness on other people.  I find it ironic how one of my greatest struggles has become such an immense passion of mine... But HEY, God loved me first!  So if I claim to be a follower of Jesus and all he represents, I want to love God and love people as much as I can, while I still can.

Love God. Love people.

Lost Investment

Perhaps it's my tendency to believe the best in people...or that I'm naive, easily swayed, too nice, a bit passive-aggressive, am constantly downgrading myself, or that I'm simply too focused on the present at times that I forget about the future.

I can't provide a whole lot of back story, but here's the basis...

The first Bible study of the school year was about Acts 2.  It focused on the fellowship of believers and what we could do to build stronger community, especially within LAR (my dorm).  Ironically following the conclusion of small group, I was returning to my room when I heard some commotion in the room across from mine.  I saw that the light was on, I had never met the girl, and I just led people in a Bible study about building better community.  And inside me, I felt this strange yet dreaded push to knock on the door.

And that's exactly what I did.

I heard someone say 'Come in', and with hesitancy, I entered...  Ten feet in front of me was a girl I had never seen in my life.  She was rummaging through her purse, looked mildly frazzled, and had a look of confusion and frustration on her face.  After introducing myself, I talked about IV for a little bit and said that if she ever wanted to eat with someone or needed homework help, etc, I wouldn't mind assisting her.

Little was I aware at that time, I would get to know this freshmen like no one else.  In fact, I consider her as one of my college best friends--even so far as a little sister.  It has been one, interesting year.  She and I have had some great talks, laughs; she came to my house for Thanksgiving, and I went to hers for Spring Break...  Quite literally, I cannot count the number of times we've hung out, shared meals, walked to class, and the list goes on.

Yet, even as we've established a great friendship, there have been some mixed emotions about next year.  The good part is that she's staying at UIUC.  But what breaks my heart the most is that she won't be returning to LAR--because she'll be moving to a new dorm on the other side of campus.  Perhaps it's my tendency to believe the best in people...or that I'm naive, easily swayed, too nice, a bit passive-aggressive, am constantly downgrading myself, or that I'm simply too focused on the present at times that I forget about the future.

I realize that I've spent a great deal with this girl, and I'm saddened to realize that we won't be seeing each other much next year (as she'll be studying abroad in the spring).  And as much as I've tried, she won't change her mind about where she'll be dorming.  She's going to Nugent, and there's nothing I can do.

But at the same time, I can't force her to stay in LAR.  She's capable of making her own decisions, and her mind is clearly made up.  The only thing I can do is support her choice, and hope that God would use her to make an impact wherever she may go.  I'd hate to make her feel guilty in any way, and I know that she's got enough to deal with on her own.

In other respects, perhaps this is God's way of pushing me to invest in others I know will be staying in LAR.  I can't focus on what I cannot control or what is out of my 'sphere of influence'.  But I certainly hope that God will help me attain some closure...  For, why does it seem that every time I put forth so much care and love towards someone, it seems more like a lost investment?

It's difficult to accept what you cannot change.

Not Exactly a Day in the Park

As we approach the halfway point of the semester, I've begun to somewhat establish some regularity in my schedule.  As many might be aware, I have class from Tuesday through Thursday.  As for Mondays and Fridays, my days are technically void--yes, I have a four-day weekend.

Now, before you're quick to be bitter and almost resentful of such an "easy", weekly schedule, not many people remember that I'm not simply a student.  I'm also serving in various capacities and hold a job as well.

What irks me extremely is when people think that, just because I have a four-day weekend, my days are 'super open' and I'm coasting through the semester.  While I'm not quite encountering a blockade of difficulties in school or otherwise, that doesn't mean I have it "easy".

Indeed, I'm taking only 13 credit hours--four classes.  HOWEVER, these are all upper 400-level classes, not a bunch of 100- or 200-level gen-ed nonsense.  Now, those kinds of classes would be deemed as a blow-off.  On the other hand, with four upper-level classes, I have my hands full.  These are practically counted as graduate level classes, and most of my classmates are seniors or grad students.

What sucks the most about these classes is the ridiculous amount of reading I have for them.  And it's highly unfortunate that, if I want to even succeed remotely in the courses, I have to KILL those midterms and finals (or pray for a curve).  These classes are determined by exam grades and not much else.

Second, I'm serving in various capacities.  First off, as a small group leader in InterVarsity, there's more time commitment and sacrifice than most people think.  I enjoy SG leading and being instrumental in the IV community, but the actual Bible Study session isn't all of it.  I'm also doing two discipleships weekly, another weekly meeting with the area coordinator, Bible Study preparation, and Sunday night prayer meetings.

On top of that, I'm also participating on the worship team with IV and with the church I attend.  While I haven't been playing for IV too much this semester, last term it was nearly every week.  This semester, I'm playing twice a month for church, and that includes Saturday and Sunday morning practices.

Lastly, many people forget that I have a job.  I'm not a librarian or desk clerk or do anything administrative or office-like that requires you to sign-up for hours each week...  I'm a high school assistant track coach for sprinters and throwers.  Where the average number of hours to work each week range from 10 to 13, that's only regarding practices.

I have to be at practice before and after the athletes arrive and leave.  If there are meets, I will be required to 'work' an event or even drive to places for away competitions.  And did I mention Saturday meets that could either be in the morning or go all-day?  Or the two meets a week that will be expected once outdoor season starts?  Sometimes, there are coaches meetings beforehand; so, again, there's a big time commitment involved.  

This entire post sounds like a rant.  Well, it pretty much is.  But that's not to say I don't enjoy what I do. Still, before you think that this schedule is "easy", please be sensitive to my own time constraints--because sleeping 4 to 5 hours a night is just what I want (sarcasm)...

A Theological Discussion with an Unexpected Brother

I'm completely awestruck right now. lol

So, this morning, I went to see my professor to get homework help.  When I got there, we made small talk and conversed about our weekends.  Yet, somehow, our discussion alluded to friends and the types of people with whom we tend to associate ourselves.  And after briefly discussing the homework itself, the conversation that followed was one I definitely did not expect.

For 45 minutes, my professor and I got onto the topic of church, religion, and theology.  He was talking most of the time, but it didn't bother me because it was actually quite interesting to hear his logic, reasoning, and conclusions for what he believed about faith, grace, works, and Christ.  (Bear in mind, my professor grew up in Mormon.)

At first, he told me his 'theories' about faith, obedience, grace, and works.  He mentioned that he had been reading through the books of James and Romans and books by N.T. Wright, and felt that the theology upon which he was raised seemed too contradictory to what he was reading in the Bible.  While incorporating references to Abraham, he concluded that Abraham obeyed God--putting Isaac at the alter as a sacrifice--because he had faith in God first.  He didn't do what God told him because he wanted more blessings; but rather, he followed the Lord because he had faith that God would fulfill his promises.

And on another note, my professor came to the realization that we are all saved by grace and not simply by works.  What is more, faith is the the foundation for which we demonstrate 'good works'.  Because we know that Christ has died for our sins, he was raised from the dead, and we have a relationship with God through him, we act upon this confidence in Him through our deeds.

He spoke more about competing theologies--between Mormonism and what he has come to study and be convicted of, but...I don't want to bore you with all of the details. lol  Anyways, we also talked about books and academic / theologically-sound arguments regarding salvation and the legitimacy of Christ.  There was a mentioning of C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters), along with N.T. Wright (The Challenge of Jesus), A.W. Tozer (The Knowledge of the Holy and The Pursuit of God), and Dietrich Bonhoeffer (The Cost of Discipleship).

Anyways, I wanted to share this conversation because discussions like this one have never happened to me before--more importantly because it was with my professor.  And it was even more compelling because, truly, I agreed with everything that he said.  It shows that, as he is earnestly seeking God, is being deeply investigative in questioning Mormon culture and theology and how it doesn't necessarily coincide with what the Bible has to say, and is constantly searching for more answers...

Even if this discussion was more about Jesus than about receiving homework help, I didn't mind at all.  I was delighted to see that God may be challenging me to maybe talk more with my professor--because he also told me that he rarely, if ever, speaks with anyone about these notions.  Growing up Mormon, he said people do what they're told and don't question it; but he doesn't want to conform to that kind of ignorance.

Perhaps, I enjoyed this talk a bit more than usual--because I am more of a 'thinker' than a 'feeler'.  I like to reason through things and see how logic and rationality plays into arguments.  And, in a sense, hearing about what my professor has been pondering and grappling with is only clear evidence that, as God seeks us to know Him more, we too can be convicted and driven to want to know the truth.

Overall, it was a very refreshing conversation.  I've never talked about Jesus or religion or theology with any of my professors (outside of the RLST context).  It's crazy to see how all this tied into the message I heard at TCBC yesterday morning about Abraham's faith, grace, and obedience in the Lord.

As for us, it's easy to believe when we 'feel' like we're good with God.  But also, be open to learning more about who God is and how theology plays into what we believe and the things we do.  I know I'm even more motivated to begin reading Mere Christianity once more.

This was a great start to my morning.  But altogether, I was reminded that we are one body and one Church who believe in one Savior.  Continue to live for the Audience of ONE, and always be open to sharing the Gospel and your faith with those around you--even if it's just with your professor.

Peace & Blessings.