CONVICTION

I was completely restless.  It had been an hour and a half since I went to bed.  But my mind was racing, heart pumping, hands were clammy, and I was dazed beyond belief.  Lying awake, I literally felt as though I was on the verge of insanity; so I prayed...

God, maybe I’m just hallucinating.  I have to be delirious; maybe it’s all in my head.  There’s no way I could do this.  No, I’m going crazy?  Jesus, what am I to do?  What is Your will for me?

Then, Philippians 2:13 randomly popped in my head.  Initially, I tried to ignore it, but it’s not like anything else could calm me down at the moment.  So, I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse:

“...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”

And then, I freaked out even more.  Instead of putting me at peace, it reaffirmed this newfound conviction: missions.  In my mind, I was still struggling with this realization.  Up till now, I never considered doing missions; and what do you know, I had this sudden epiphany to pursue it.

                                            

Leading up to that moment, the topic of missions came up rather frequently, but I saw these as mere coincidences.  And the fact that numerous opportunities to strengthen my evangelism skills arose didn’t faze me at all.  Yet, when these “coincidences” accumulated and compounded, I knew that this was not a matter of chance; it was practically a divine ordination.

Event No. 1 // When I woke up on Sunday, February 13, I had just come out of a dream.  This dream was about Viktor, who was one of my closest non-Christian friends in high school.  He was, perhaps, the first person I started praying for—to witness the power of God and follow Him.  Not only so, but he was one of the first people that inspired me to evangelize.  It was strange, though; this dream about Viktor came out of nowhere on that Sunday.  And as I got ready and headed to church, it was lingering on my mind.

Event No. 2 // Prior to arriving at church, I started reading the book Pivotal Praying by John D. Hull.  The introduction described how John Welch, a man who had been willing to dedicate his life to mission work, found out that he would no longer be able to pursue this path--unless he was willing to risk his wife's health.  Depressed and disappointed, he found ministerial work but longed to be in the mission field.  While also being filled with anger and confusion, Welch had struggled in thinking about God's will for him.

Eventually, he chose to help his dad and his juice-making business.  In time, this side business became a huge enterprise--Welch's Grape Juice.  Though he had been doubtful of his calling and bitter with God about what he was to do with his life, Welch ultimately surrendered himself and his plans to God.  In the end, he became an incredible steward and has donated enormous sums of money towards missions.  Through prayer and trust in God's sovereignty, he realized a new calling and was able to commit himself to missions--but in another aspect.

Coincidence No. 3 // Arriving at TCBC, I walked into the church foyer and noticed a Lausanne banner and table on display.  (Reference to the Lausanne World Evangelism Congress that occurred this past fall.)  At that moment, I remembered: it was missions Sunday.  The morning’s sermon focused on recognizing how God desires for us to carry out His great commission, but especially, the “one another” commands.  I was brought to tears as I heard the speaker tell of awing stories and accounts of life changes that happened in the mission field—both at home and overseas.  My heart was amazed at the power of our great God, and I could only respond in emotion...

Coincidence No. 4 // That evening, I attended a prayer meeting with some IV students--where the theme centered on recognizing our sin and weaknesses, acknowledging the barriers that keep us from submitting before God, and ridding ourselves of the obstacles that prevent us from sharing the Gospel with other communities on campus.  Still, I thought this was just another happenstance.

Coincidence No. 5 // Hours passed...  After I got ready for bed, I was continuing my reading of Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper.  The chapter I was reading: “The Majesty of Christ in Missions and Mercy—A Plea to this Generation”.  The chapter started out, “God is closing in on some of you.  He is like the ‘Hound of Heaven’ who means to make you far happier in some dangerous and dirty work.  Missionaries and ministers of mercy don’t come from no where.  They come from people like you, stunned by the glory of God and stopped in your tracks.  Sometimes it happens when you are going in exactly the opposite direction.”

When I read that, I was honestly a little spooked.  That’s a strange way to word an introductory paragraph to a chapter...  Then I read further.  “God does not call us to ease, but to faithful joy.  He is closing in on some of you, smiling and with tears in his eyes, knowing how much of himself he is going to show you—and how much it will cost.”

That’s when it happened.  My eyes were opened.  My heart beat faster than ever.  I was in a daze--motionless and in shock.  I had been convinced and convicted.  I felt the clear indication that God was calling me to pursue missions...and this was just the beginning.

When I finished reading that chapter of Don’t Waste Your Life, I put the book down and prayed.  Frankly, I was scared.

I kid you not, I was still in a surprised state.  Inside, I wanted to see if this newfound revelation was true.  Perhaps this was just another coincidence? Or maybe I was becoming paranoid.  I turned to a book I had been using to do my devotions...and the topic of that particular devotion was “Why Should We Live Our Faith?”  Okay, I was spooked even more.  (Coincidence No. 6)

Then I turned to Our Daily Bread.  The booklet was already open and turned to a page (February 11, Friday).  Going through this quiet time, I read all the way down to the application line: “There’s no better news than the gospel—spread the word!”  (Coincidence No. 7)

Still feeling absolutely crazed, I lie anxious and awake, barely able to sleep during the night.  All I could think about was this epiphany...  I managed to sleep finally around 1:30 am.

When I woke up, though, had another dream:  I had just graduated college and went on a missions trip to somewhere tropical.  Upon my return home, I worked in the missions department at some church.  Years later, I became the director of missions for an international organization.  At another point, I had some witnessed some engraving images...  I saw a crowd before me, with rows and rows of people around.  Apparently, I was giving a speech.  And before I awoke, a Lausanne banner flashed before my eyes--I was giving a speech at the next Lausanne World Evangelism Congress.

Despite Sunday night's doubts, confusion, daze...  This dream had me convicted--yet again.

Throughout Monday, I was still in shock.  I turned to God once more, praying for guidance and wisdom in the midst of all that was revealed in the past 15 hours...  I felt the conviction to read Ephesians 6:10-20 (“The Armor of God”).  It seemed like a strange passage to read for a quiet time at that moment.  Yet, as I read on, the only things running through my thoughts were 3 words: firm, equip, truth.  Reflecting upon Ephesians, I knew that nothing was a coincidence anymore.  I was scared. I was in appalled, even.  I was confused. I was...

GAHHH!

2 dreams. 3 books. 2 devotionals...

Clearly, chance and coincidence only seemed like gambling terms.  But friends, this revelation was no gamble.  If I didn’t feel that God was leading me to missions at this point, then I probably would have been hardening my heart far beyond reason.  But just the opposite occurred; in realizing all that had happened within the past day—just ONE day—God opened my heart, mind, and soul to something I never thought I would do.

Missions.  The transformation has begun, and I’m still in shock.

Why would God call me to do this?  I don’t know...

But it’s time I stepped out in faith.

"for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."