Oh God...What Just Happened?

It has only been 3 days since I've returned from Fall Conference.  Yet, it seems like it simply came and went a long way back.

What has surprised me tremendously though is how much circumstances can change in such a narrow span of time.  I am humbled and amazed at what God has been doing in LAR recently.  Last week, I was sad and disappointed that my freshmen girls in IV would be moving to another dorm.  But after this weekend, something happened...

...only 1 of those girls will be moving out; the other 3 are to remain.

Quite frankly, I have absolutely no idea what took place for them to change their minds.  I literally thought that, next year, I'd be alone in LAR--despite having a few girls who participate in IV here and there... But friends, the grace of God is alive and abundant; of this I am sure.

So then, it looks like I won't be one of the only people serving in LAR-IV next year.  Praise the Lord! Not only were my prayers answered, but I had simply experienced God's sovereignty in the entire situation.  God truly does wonders when you surrender to his will.

So blessed. So thankful. So surprised. Still amazed.
God is so good, so trustworthy, so gracious.

Go

It's that time of year again--time to sign-up for next year's housing.  It's almost unreal that, by next year, I'm already going to be a senior in college. Weird; I still recall coming into UIUC as a freshman, full of apprehension but excitement for what I would experience in the next 8 semesters in a new chapter of life.

Anyways, housing has every bit to deal with being a senior than it does with friendships.  Quite frankly, there aren't many upperclassmen in the dorms, especially in LAR, which will make for an interesting senior year.  While serving with InterVarsity in the dorms, I might as well be called the LAR mom. -__-

On the other hand, I suppose what has hit me harder is the fact that people will be moving out or away from me.  But what I have come to realize is that...I start from scratch every year.  So what makes next near any different?

In general, it seems that, when I become good friends with someone, they just move away the following year.  (Understandably, this is mostly a cost-saving measure.)  But as much as I may have some mild neglect issues, I always have to remember: It's not about me.

The funny thing about friends moving away...  I've begun to think that God placed me in these relationships for a specific reason.  And oddly enough, most of these friendships tended to involve the other person either recovering from or being involved in a "life crisis".  Where, ironically, I was one to simply listen, advise, and/or pray for them.  As I may see it, maybe God was using me to help these individuals, so that when they left LAR, they could continue to grow more independently--outside of my mother-like shepherding and care.

Honestly, I'm saddened that people are moving out of the dorms or whatnot, but I know that God will be placing these people in other locations and ministries and use them mightily.  Where God uses friendships and various situations to further his Kingdom, I was lucky enough to have 4 of those this semester, so far.

I am certainly saddened to see people go, but there's still another semester ahead...  And as for next year, I'm excited to hear how the Lord will be working in and through the lives of my girls.  Again, it's not about me.

For, in all that we do, it is ultimately for Christ and His Kingdom.

Flustered

In need of a good cry.
Too many emotions inside my head;
if only I knew how to let it all out.

Sometimes, I wish I knew how to be a better friend--let alone, how to maintain my friendships.

Sleepers

My heart breaks for the lukewarm.  They have fallen asleep and are unable to avidly pursue the Lord.

Wake up, friends, wake up!  The day of the Lord is near!

Faith?

Sometimes, we question various aspects or circumstances in life, which can lead to cynicism and doubt.  Though we turn to God, we may be even more troubled at how we can turn to such a "higher power" that is seems neither physical nor direct.  But that's the centrality of 'faith', isn't it?  It's being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb 1:11).

One might ask, "How can I believe in God when I can't see or hear or touch him? Why should I trust in someone who can't help me here and now? What does it really mean to trust and depend on God?  How can you be so sure that He will always be there for you?  I just can't grasp that concept..."

That was quite an intensive (but fruitful) conversation.  However, I'll be frank; I had to ponder these questions rather deeply...  And while I'm still dwelling on such inquiries, I felt like it was something to consider.

I guess, with a brief, final thought, I'll leave you with this...

Though we may have a faith that can 'move mountains', do we truly understand what faith, trust, or dependence on God really is?  And if so, how?

Mmm. That's where apologetics comes into play.

CONVICTION

I was completely restless.  It had been an hour and a half since I went to bed.  But my mind was racing, heart pumping, hands were clammy, and I was dazed beyond belief.  Lying awake, I literally felt as though I was on the verge of insanity; so I prayed...

God, maybe I’m just hallucinating.  I have to be delirious; maybe it’s all in my head.  There’s no way I could do this.  No, I’m going crazy?  Jesus, what am I to do?  What is Your will for me?

Then, Philippians 2:13 randomly popped in my head.  Initially, I tried to ignore it, but it’s not like anything else could calm me down at the moment.  So, I grabbed my Bible and looked up the verse:

“...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”

And then, I freaked out even more.  Instead of putting me at peace, it reaffirmed this newfound conviction: missions.  In my mind, I was still struggling with this realization.  Up till now, I never considered doing missions; and what do you know, I had this sudden epiphany to pursue it.

                                            

Leading up to that moment, the topic of missions came up rather frequently, but I saw these as mere coincidences.  And the fact that numerous opportunities to strengthen my evangelism skills arose didn’t faze me at all.  Yet, when these “coincidences” accumulated and compounded, I knew that this was not a matter of chance; it was practically a divine ordination.

Event No. 1 // When I woke up on Sunday, February 13, I had just come out of a dream.  This dream was about Viktor, who was one of my closest non-Christian friends in high school.  He was, perhaps, the first person I started praying for—to witness the power of God and follow Him.  Not only so, but he was one of the first people that inspired me to evangelize.  It was strange, though; this dream about Viktor came out of nowhere on that Sunday.  And as I got ready and headed to church, it was lingering on my mind.

Event No. 2 // Prior to arriving at church, I started reading the book Pivotal Praying by John D. Hull.  The introduction described how John Welch, a man who had been willing to dedicate his life to mission work, found out that he would no longer be able to pursue this path--unless he was willing to risk his wife's health.  Depressed and disappointed, he found ministerial work but longed to be in the mission field.  While also being filled with anger and confusion, Welch had struggled in thinking about God's will for him.

Eventually, he chose to help his dad and his juice-making business.  In time, this side business became a huge enterprise--Welch's Grape Juice.  Though he had been doubtful of his calling and bitter with God about what he was to do with his life, Welch ultimately surrendered himself and his plans to God.  In the end, he became an incredible steward and has donated enormous sums of money towards missions.  Through prayer and trust in God's sovereignty, he realized a new calling and was able to commit himself to missions--but in another aspect.

Coincidence No. 3 // Arriving at TCBC, I walked into the church foyer and noticed a Lausanne banner and table on display.  (Reference to the Lausanne World Evangelism Congress that occurred this past fall.)  At that moment, I remembered: it was missions Sunday.  The morning’s sermon focused on recognizing how God desires for us to carry out His great commission, but especially, the “one another” commands.  I was brought to tears as I heard the speaker tell of awing stories and accounts of life changes that happened in the mission field—both at home and overseas.  My heart was amazed at the power of our great God, and I could only respond in emotion...

Coincidence No. 4 // That evening, I attended a prayer meeting with some IV students--where the theme centered on recognizing our sin and weaknesses, acknowledging the barriers that keep us from submitting before God, and ridding ourselves of the obstacles that prevent us from sharing the Gospel with other communities on campus.  Still, I thought this was just another happenstance.

Coincidence No. 5 // Hours passed...  After I got ready for bed, I was continuing my reading of Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper.  The chapter I was reading: “The Majesty of Christ in Missions and Mercy—A Plea to this Generation”.  The chapter started out, “God is closing in on some of you.  He is like the ‘Hound of Heaven’ who means to make you far happier in some dangerous and dirty work.  Missionaries and ministers of mercy don’t come from no where.  They come from people like you, stunned by the glory of God and stopped in your tracks.  Sometimes it happens when you are going in exactly the opposite direction.”

When I read that, I was honestly a little spooked.  That’s a strange way to word an introductory paragraph to a chapter...  Then I read further.  “God does not call us to ease, but to faithful joy.  He is closing in on some of you, smiling and with tears in his eyes, knowing how much of himself he is going to show you—and how much it will cost.”

That’s when it happened.  My eyes were opened.  My heart beat faster than ever.  I was in a daze--motionless and in shock.  I had been convinced and convicted.  I felt the clear indication that God was calling me to pursue missions...and this was just the beginning.

When I finished reading that chapter of Don’t Waste Your Life, I put the book down and prayed.  Frankly, I was scared.

I kid you not, I was still in a surprised state.  Inside, I wanted to see if this newfound revelation was true.  Perhaps this was just another coincidence? Or maybe I was becoming paranoid.  I turned to a book I had been using to do my devotions...and the topic of that particular devotion was “Why Should We Live Our Faith?”  Okay, I was spooked even more.  (Coincidence No. 6)

Then I turned to Our Daily Bread.  The booklet was already open and turned to a page (February 11, Friday).  Going through this quiet time, I read all the way down to the application line: “There’s no better news than the gospel—spread the word!”  (Coincidence No. 7)

Still feeling absolutely crazed, I lie anxious and awake, barely able to sleep during the night.  All I could think about was this epiphany...  I managed to sleep finally around 1:30 am.

When I woke up, though, had another dream:  I had just graduated college and went on a missions trip to somewhere tropical.  Upon my return home, I worked in the missions department at some church.  Years later, I became the director of missions for an international organization.  At another point, I had some witnessed some engraving images...  I saw a crowd before me, with rows and rows of people around.  Apparently, I was giving a speech.  And before I awoke, a Lausanne banner flashed before my eyes--I was giving a speech at the next Lausanne World Evangelism Congress.

Despite Sunday night's doubts, confusion, daze...  This dream had me convicted--yet again.

Throughout Monday, I was still in shock.  I turned to God once more, praying for guidance and wisdom in the midst of all that was revealed in the past 15 hours...  I felt the conviction to read Ephesians 6:10-20 (“The Armor of God”).  It seemed like a strange passage to read for a quiet time at that moment.  Yet, as I read on, the only things running through my thoughts were 3 words: firm, equip, truth.  Reflecting upon Ephesians, I knew that nothing was a coincidence anymore.  I was scared. I was in appalled, even.  I was confused. I was...

GAHHH!

2 dreams. 3 books. 2 devotionals...

Clearly, chance and coincidence only seemed like gambling terms.  But friends, this revelation was no gamble.  If I didn’t feel that God was leading me to missions at this point, then I probably would have been hardening my heart far beyond reason.  But just the opposite occurred; in realizing all that had happened within the past day—just ONE day—God opened my heart, mind, and soul to something I never thought I would do.

Missions.  The transformation has begun, and I’m still in shock.

Why would God call me to do this?  I don’t know...

But it’s time I stepped out in faith.

"for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."